Breaking Benjamin

Bleh!

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 18:52:45 -0400

Just writing to vent a bit today honestly... It was the first kind of shitty day I’ve had in a long while. It sort of started yesterday... I almost feel like something has me chemically imbalanced to feel a bit depressed. I don’t know... maybe we’re all just supposed to have downer days sometimes. Nothing particularly terrible has happened by any means... in fact, when I take stock, I’m as blessed today as I was a week ago when I was feeling fine. But alas, some things are indeed bothering me I guess. I’m beginning to be a little bummed about the fact that my job is seriously depressing some days. It’s just a fact of what it is... I’m a landlord. Maybe is more PC to say Property Manager... most of my tenants call me the Rent man. Regardless of title, I have the fine displeasure of kicking people out on their ear when they don’t pay the rent, and tossing the discarded things that make up their stuff in the process. I don’t know why this bothers me so much, I think it’s just that I’m in a direct position to really be the guy that delivers miserable times to people when they are already struggling.

Compounding this is that I’m often in the same position with my own kid... being the disciplinarian when he has it coming. I guess that’s what I resent about my job. I’m forced to be parental for dozens of people day in and day out. I have to step in and resolve disputes, stomp my foot and deliver stern looks and words when the kids are misbehaving, and teach lessons as gently and effectively as I can along the way. I am not built for this sort of thing. It’s not who I am...

That’s the other side of this... If I wasn’t doing this, and this job in Vegas doesn’t work out, what the hell should I be doing with my life as it relates to work? I’m extremely unfulfilled... most of my month consists of waiting for the phone to ring to deal with other peoples bullshit. I just want to return to feeling like I like the people I deal with as a part of my day... that I can trust them... that I wake up in the morning ready to accomplish something during my workday.

To top it off today, I was scolded for a post I made on facebook about being shocked that a white couple showed major interest in my apartments, enough to apply. I don’t say this from a racist point of view. It’s just genuine shock. My apartments are in parts of town where the crime rate is high. I screen heavily, so the tenants I have are normal people for the most part... so my buildings in particular aren’t too bad. It’s just the neighborhoods... none I would visit after dark. I can only guess it’s an economic issue right now... that a roomy two bedroom is desirable at $625 a month in this town because you get a lot for your money. I just hope if they move in, they will be safe and the neighbors will be neighborly. I see more reverse racism in this town than I care to get into right now on this blog, but it’s pretty bad out there sometimes.

Right now I think the only way to be pulled out of this funk is for things to get moving in Vegas. I’ve pinned all my hopes and dreams on being able to get out of here and chase my dream out there. I’m beyond ready to return to work that I feel is honorable, worth my time and intelligence, is challenging, highly paid, and would surround me with people that have integrity and good character. I’m ready for change... a change in venue, state, even climate. I hope the universe is listening... God, Jesus, whoever is out there... I’m ready.

Change and Direction

Sun, 6 Sep 2009 22:42:08 -0400

It has come to my attention that a friend of mine is depressed. He may not know even that I’ve perceived this lately, and I think he feels he finds himself alone. Have you ever felt alone in a room crowded by friends and family? I know I certainly have in my day. I wish I had a better grasp of where depression comes from. We’ve all been there of course, now and then. Life has a certain way of not going the direction we think it should be going, and we tend to let that bother us, perhaps more than we should.

I read recently a clever metaphor to describe our life journey. Imagine if you will, driving from New York to LA, but only at night with our headlights on. On this entire journey, we can only see a few hundred yards ahead of ourselves, but we persist forward towards our goal. (Assuming the goal is having lived our life and enjoyed the trip along the way.) Carrying this further, we all will have our side trips on this journey, some to a dead end, where we must turn around and find our way again. Sometimes we become lost... and when it comes to depression, sometimes one or both headlights just seem to go out, and the way ahead is dark and fearful. We often tend to cling to the familiar in these circumstances... the lucky ones have someone there to help get them back on the right path. Sometimes we are a beacon for others to follow...

Internalizing this into my own journey, I find it interesting to have been a small beacon for others time to time, and I’ve been blessed to sometimes get a tiny glimpse of the impact I’ve had on others lives. I am blessed with a multitude of people in my life that bring joy to it. I hope I am able to deliver that joy to them in return and that I am a pleasure to be around.

I am finally beginning to realize that I am growing up into being conscience of who I am, and where I want my path to take me... what kind of life I want to live. My brights are on, so to speak. They won’t always be, and I won’t always feel this way of course. I pray then, that when my day comes when I need a beacon, that one of you will rise up and be there for me when I need you most.

A long overdue update... may be long

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 22:00:15 -0400

Well friends, it’s been awhile... I apologize. Life certainly has a way to get in your way a lot! Honestly though I think it’s just part of things in general... to find other things to occupy our time.

The last 4-5 months have been pretty epic in the changes that have come around in my household. We are completely teenager free in the home now, and we’re solely focused on Franklin now. Jessie has made her way to her Aunts home in New Hampshire for the summer, with hopes to remain up there in a special new life. (Yeah, that was meant to smarmy.) We decided that we’d had enough of her living here, and let her know that if she did return, it wouldn’t be to our home. A very big weight, burden, and expense lifted. House bills are dropping, money seems to staying put in our our account longer... all good things. Dario has returned to Italy as well, hopefully better off for his time with us over the school year. I miss him. He made me laugh, and it was nice to experience life though the eyes of a young man experiencing his first real love on an amazing adventure in a foreign country. So now it’s just the 3 of us, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and Adam, our Beta Fish. (Who is nearly 2 years old now..wth?)

In greater news, I am pursuing a job out in Las Vegas. When this first came up, I thought it was a new path somehow, but I have realized recently that this journey has been on it’s way for quite some time. Let me explain. Ever since I was discharged from the military, I have had an ongoing dream where I was returning to the military, but when I got to the base I couldn’t figure out where I was supposed to be working, and my uniforms didn’t fit anymore, and I was running late. Always a pretty miserable dream really, not unlike the common dream many people have where they return to school in a similar fashion. Well, once I made the decision to have weight loss surgery, and began to start losing weight, this dream has changed in an interesting manner. Initially, I noticed that my uniforms began to fit... not very well right away, but gradually they were perfect, shoes polished, tight and trim. Then, I was back to working... and not long after, I was running my crew like I never left, except I was better!
So, back to the matter at hand. I made contact with my old supervisor Frank from my days in England. Frank is an old salty dog of an enlisted man who has no patience for peoples bullshit... my kind of guy. Working for him was always awesome, because he handled business exactly the way I preferred... direct and to the point. This is our job, let’s get this shit done! Well, Frank retired about 2-3 years ago. He spent the last few years of his career working on Predator UAV’s (Unmanned Aerial Vehicles for you laypeople... it’s a big ass remote control terrorist ass fucking machine.) Well, it turns out that Frank is doing the same work working for a big government contractor, and they are looking for new people.
One big thing standing in my way on being hired basically... I don’t have a current security clearance. They are only good for so long, so of course with 9 years gone from this type of work, so is my clearance. It takes a lot of money and time to get a clearance done, and so that can make someone more attractive to a company vs. me. The main company that does this work won’t even look at you unless you have an active clearance, so I have to wait for a different one that will to get their funding through to hire. Thankfully, I think it’s gonna work out. Frank gave me a strong recommendation to the boss, my resume was good and I feel essentially we’re just waiting for someone at Air Combat Command to shit some money so they can hire.
What does this all mean for my future?? Very good things I believe. I’ll be returning to work that I find rewarding and compelling. I look forward to getting back out there. It will require a move to Las Vegas, where I have friends and family ready to greet us all with open arms. The housing market is crushed out there, which means we should be able to break out of here debt free and be able to slide into a nice neighborhood where we can grow as a family. Franklin will be transitioning into middle school, so it’s a good time to move anyhow, especially because Norfolk public schools are a breeding ground for shitheads and lazy entitled little fuckers with no future. It seems the schools in Vegas are better as far as my homework tells me, and that my friends, makes daddy happy.

I’m sure there is a lot more to talk about here, but until I get the call from Vegas, I’m going to hold off. I hope this finds you all very well, and I’ll try and check back more often. I leave you with this message: Do not let ANYONE shit on your dreams. Leaving your familiar comfort zone is tough, and people close to you will try and stand in your way sometimes, but you just have to push through that crap and take what’s yours. Quit letting life happen to you... get out there and happen to life!

Waiting for Franklin

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 17:37:32 -0400

Again I find myself waiting in the parking lot at the JCC waiting for Franklin to finish up Wednesday Hebrew School. He always protests going, and then walks out all smiles and glad that he went. lol. Kids are funny that way... they always have these little preconceived ideas on how things are going to be in a given situation, and they are constantly surprised. It’s sometimes tough to imagine life through their eyes. We easily forget our own sense of discovery in the world. What have you discovered lately, dear reader? For that matter, what have I discovered about myself? I’m not certain I’ll answer that right now... but I can certainly update the goings on in my tiny world.

Well, lately, I’m back on my quest for a much higher level of personal fitness. This has been difficult in a way so far, because I’m hesitant to go full force with some things because I want to ensure I don’t re-injure myself in the process. So, I’m making modifications to shoulder exercises so I don’t break myself and derail my own efforts. The program I’m following is called “Power 90” which is a few years old done by Tony Horton, who went on to create P90X. I cannot WAIT to get through this whole thing and see my awesome results. So far so good. I’m on day 10, and I’m doing really well so far. I can feel myself toning up and my flexibility and energy levels increasing day by day. It’s difficult to get back into things after my day off (Sunday’s are my off day), but I felt great day 8 for doing so!

I also started having “Shakeology” for breakfast. MAN!! You would not believe the vitamin levels in a single scoop of this shake. It’s a new Beachbody product. Apparently it was created by the CEO because he really hates his vegetables, and he wanted to find something to get all those in in one go without the bulk and process of eating all that veg. I’m a fan of this idea... while I don’t mind vegetables, there is no way I can get in the recommended daily amount even if I tried. My tummy is just too small now! That’s where supplements come in really. We just don’t get enough important nutrients in our daily diets. If you polled everyone you know, how many would agree that they “should” be taking vitamins? I’d venture to say all of them, beside that ever present contrarian we all know. :-) How many of you actually take your vitamins? I know my MGB friends all do... doctors orders of course. The thing is, not all vitamins are even created equally. Many vitamins are made with sub-par materials that aren’t tested for quality, not to mention they are compressed with well over 1000 lbs of pressure to form the pill. How many of you have a stomach that’s able to undo 1000 lbs. of pressure? Did you know some vitamins made to be more soluable are destroyed in the acid of the stomach, effectively nullifying the effect where needed? Some nutrients are absorbed better at different places in the intestine.

The good news is I found a rep that sells Shaklee vitamins. Well, Deb found her anyhow. She’s been selling and taking Shaklee vitamins for over 26 years! She’s 71 years old, and takes no medicines or drugs, walks marathons with her husband, and is the picture of health and mobility. That is really inspiring to me. I want to be that old guy that could kick the snot out of any teenager at any point in my life if he had it coming!

I guess the bottom line here is that I am making changes for myself and my family to be healthier, which I guess is hardly surprising considering that over a year ago I decided to have Mini Gastric bypass, a life changing move towards greater health for myself. So far I’m down from 305 lbs to 221 or so. My diabetes is gone, my joints feel better, my blood pressure is amazingly low and hard to bring up even with exercise... just amazing differences. Now to finish the job and get ripped and wicked sexy hot. :-)

Hard work...

Sun, 5 Apr 2009 22:04:28 -0400

Greetings everyone... it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. A busy little life will do that do you now and then. I am sitting peacefully on my couch while my lovely wife is flipping through the 700 channels we have on Cox Cable trying to find something interesting to watch and failing. I think we’ve settled on Juno.

I spent the better part of this weekend detailing my cars. I washed Deb’s and did the interior, and totally washed, polished, waxed the Avalon. It’s never looked better. The paint is smoother than baby ass greased with baby oil right now. Today, feeling somehow still energetic, I invited my buddy Dvo over to get his 2003 Ford Ranger all spiffed up and shiny shiny. A job well done in the end I’d say, because he offered sexual favors in gratitude. I opted out of that in the end, tempting as it was. All in all, I spent a good 16 hours in motion over the weekend, and my body is feeling pretty alive as a result, despite it’s need for crazy amounts of rest right now.

Weight loss update... there is nothing to say here... same ole same ole right now. I’ve been between 220 and 225 since September. No more, no less. I’m hoping with the return of warmer weather, I can resume a more active lifestyle, resulting in a reved up metabolism, and eventually, dropping these last 20-30 lbs.

More than anything lately, I’ve enjoying just living my life. I’ve reconnected with a number of old friends on Facebook, and that has really warmed my heart quite a bit. It’s good to reconnect with people, especially when they are really great people that just fell away from my life due to distance and relocating to Virginia. Work has been pretty easy going lately, and housework has been nice to get done. I could stand to be Mr. Mom in all honesty.

I’m tired now... headed to bed. More to come soon.